This post is for the man that raised my mother, who later became a drunk, moved to the mountains, loved me, but never took the time to show it. My grandpa, Poppy passed away a little over two weeks ago. My hear and mind have been aching over the memories of my youth and the regrets of the more current years. I have felt hurt for his lack of attention and affection. I hurt that he missed my wedding, graduation, each of my kids births and baptisms. I miss the opportunities we could of had hunting, shooting, talking and shared holidays. He made a lot of bad choices in his life. He chose to drink, he chose the mountains and by making those choices he missed out on a lot.
But, I too made choices. I could have taken my family up to visit, he only lived an hour away. I could have called more or remembered his birthday with a card or visit. I could have been there when he died. I too made bad choices and I am sorry. I feel like the worst granddaughter. How could I ever hold bitterness and resentment so long that I missed out on a decade of memories? This relationship, I have failed. I am sorry, so sorry.
The day before he passed I went to visit him. I went out of duty, out of respect and deep down, out of love. When I walked in, he looked already gone. My anger and bitterness was immediately swept away. All I could do is hold his hand and tell him how much I loved him. I watched him wince in pain and struggle to breath. I knew this was the end, the last time we'd ever be together on this earth. However, I looked to the future. I knew that he would give up his mortal tabernacle to go home to his Father; I prayed that he would go quickly and as comfortably as possible.
I will miss his scratchy beard he'd let me play with, his flannel shirts I'd snuggle into when he pulled me into his lap. I will miss his jokes. I will miss his teasing and the love in his eyes. I will miss hearing him say how proud he was of me.
When my mom was a little girl running to the bus stop, Poppy would come running out yelling, "Wait! Don't leave me! You forgot your kiss!" Well, that's how I feel, "Wait, I want one more kiss. One more decade of memories." But I won't get it here on this earth. The time will come though, that I too will return to my Father, where my Poppy will be and I will run into his arms and make an eternity of memories with him.
I wanted to add some funniness to this sad post. Poppy was known for many funny one liners that I'd like to share:
Oh, crap on a crutch!
That kid is one fart in a skillet!
If the horse don't buck, there ain't no rodeo!
100 years from now it won't make a difference.
It'll feel better when it quits hurting.
As the funeral grew closer, family flew in and time was shared together. We laughed and cried and laughed some more. We spent many late nights talking, then I would wake up early to take care of my kids. I was starting to feel spread thin, between being a mother, wife and daughter. I have five busy kids, one husband who was sick and a needy extended family. I also had many emotions that needed time to heal. I was on the phone with a loved one and snapped. I thought out loud as I chucked my phone across the lawn! "Why can't you see what I DO do!!?" Hearing those words come out of my mouth was like lightening bolt. I had a ginormous epiphany. Did I look at what my grandpa gave me or what he didn't give me? Did I even see what he did do? He gave me a pretty darn good Mom, love and affection and praise, his funny sense of humor, Christmas sleigh rides, Halloween Trick or Treating, snowmobiling excursions, memories with cousin in the mountains, cow pie fun, teaching me how to spell, C-U-P (see you pee)! Why was I so focused on how I was wronged? This wasn't his problem but mine. I am owning this.
So many times we like to point the finger and put the blame on failed marriages, rotten childhoods, gossiping friends, rude neighbors, a fellow driver on the road. We too play a part on the relationship or the lack there of. Instead of asking yourself, "Why don't my parents ever call me?" ask "When was the last time I called to check in on my parents?" Look for the good in people, focus on what they can give. I hope people will do that for me. I fail in so many areas, but I do alright in some parts of life. I hope others will see the good in me.
The challenge for this week is to give people the benefit of a doubt and see the good others do, instead of pointing out everything they do wrong. Choose to not take offense by others actions. You never know what others are going through. Think "What Would Jesus Do?" My great Mamee Rose would say, "Jesus loves you and so do I." If you really do love them, show it. I will wager that you will not only have more love for others, by the end of the week, but you will be happy.
With love,
Auna Leigh
