guilty...

A few nights ago I went to a large book club for, One Hundred Dresses, by Eleanor Estes. (****If you haven't read this book I suggest you go out and buy it.  It's about a little poor Polish girl, Wanda who gets teased.  Her Father moved the family to the city because of the discrimination.  The girls responsible for the teasing felt awful and sent her letters.  Wanda responded with such grace and forgiveness.  A beautiful story for all ages!)

The women's organization (Relief Society) for our church hosted the book club for Mothers and Daughters.  We were captured immediately when we walked into the overflow room, also known as the gymnasium.  It was a picturesque setting for a picnic.  One forgot what room they entered after just a few moments.  There was a constant hum of chatter.  Salad, homemade rolls, soda pop and an ever-increasing dessert table filled our tummies.  We then made our way to another room where two teenage girls and two mothers spoke.  One mother asked, "In one word what is this story about?"  Old and young raised their hands and replied,  "Forgiveness, friendship, not judging, kindness, hurt, gossiping, etc."  Honestly, I wanted to raise my hand, I wanted my voice to be heard, but I didn't.  I didn't want people to think I was a "mean girl".  The outside world may not have known my thoughts but I did, and more importantly God knew. "GUILTY!"  I felt guilty for every wrong I committed, for the stories I had ever repeated (no matter how nice I'd made them sound).  I would never intentionally leave someone out or purposely send them a hateful text.  Yet, I was guilty.  I have judged, been unkind, gossiped and hurt too many.  No matter how I have tried to right those wrongs and repent, people don't forget.

A friend stands by us not judging, full of love, understanding, in possession of a listening ear, ever forgiving, and always kind.  The thoughts below are from a friend of Ashlee's  who was the kind of friend we can all learn from.  Emily stood by her side and was a voice of reason, stability and strength.  She always had Ashlee's back and never judged.  Learn from the master...

“I met Ashlee long before Ashlee and Emmett were strugging. I knew them right after they were married and I married. I knew them in the very happy times of their married lives. They were so fun to hang out with. We became friends easily and quickly. After their college life ended and they moved to Meridian it was like having family close and we enjoyed many outings, weekends and holidays together. Ashlee is a wonderful and smart mother. She taught me so much in my early mothering years. I considered Ashlee a dear friend and we were both able to confide in each other on many situations. I remember when she first confided in me about her and Emmett toward the end. One day I randomly picked up the phone and called her to see if she wanted to go to Goodwill with me. I ended up coming over to her house during joyschool to help her out. It was then that she let it all out. I immediately wanted to go spy and find Emmett and call him out on his actions and I wanted to help lighten her burden any way I could. I feel Ashlee needed me for an un-judging ear to listen and a mama-bear by her side. I’m not quite sure what I really did for Ashlee. I think it helped that I wasn't in the “Meridian loop” and lived fifteen minutes away and was an old friend she could talk to in confidence, knowing it wouldn't be all over Meridian. It was hard not to want to get involved too much because we loved them both. After the accident there were so many wonderful , giving, and selfless people that came to her side. I know I did not have the talent as some others surrounding her, such as a blankets, or pictures, or organizing her house. I believe I was there for Ashlee to be her sounding board, to bounce things off of, to talk sense into her, to take her stress away and to bring her back to reality. The morning after the accident happened and she was at her house with all the chaos she was beside herself. Her sister and I grabbed her, snuck away and went for a drive. I do think that I was that ear that she could tell me all her thoughts regardless if they were rational or not and she knew I had her back. I know I did turn mama-bear with her because I knew with all the attention and the state of her mind I didn't want her to get taken advantage of or misled so in a way I felt like her body guard. Probably the most random thing I remember about being there for Ashlee was day of the viewing, I bought her dry shampoo and earrings because I was worried about her wasn't sure if she would get around to showering with all the interviews and police and stress and I wanted to make sure she would look good and put together. I always laugh with her because when everyone else was giving presents and gifts and talents..... I bought her dry shampoo. I am so grateful for having the opportunity to help her through this trial in her life. Ashlee has taught me more than I could ever repay her and she continues to help me and reach out to me even in her darkest days. I know without a doubt that she would be there for me and do the same.”

Emily was specifically placed in Ashlee's life way before all the drama.  She has talents she can't even recognize.  She shows that it's the little things that count.  Thank you for teaching us how to be a listening ear and loving without judging.  You inspire and make me want to be a Mama Bear/Ninja Body Guard.  You are perfect, just the way you are!