I have been in a slump lately. I have always been a pretty cheery person. And then sometimes, I get caught in a trap. A trap that encases all of us at some point or another. I was trying to explain my frustration to a friend when she said, "Auna Leigh, just say it. I won't judge you for how you feel." I broke down, "I don't know Jennece, sometimes I feel unvalidated, as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend. I have always felt a little uncertain of who I am. I feel insecure. I am suppose to be starting a new blog. It's something I know I need to do. But what if I trip and land flat on my face. What if I no one likes it? I don't want to be self promoting. I don't need any big awards. I just want to help others know how to be a friend and find joy along the way. But what if, what if, what if?"
This dear sweet friend told me. "Auna so what? You'll never know if you don't try. I believe you need to search out your heart and pray for validation from the Lord." I continued, "But I know I am suppose to." My wise friend said, "There is nothing wrong with praying for a strong confirmation or a second witness." I agreed. This was a good thing that would put my mind at ease. So I started praying, on my knees, in the car, out loud and in my closet. I needed this witness. I deserved God's love.
Then around 4:15pm I got a call. It was my sweet ten year old daughter. "Um Mom, are you going to come get me?" My heart stopped, my daughter had been at school for over a half hour waiting with a 5 foot stuffed bear that she had chosen to snuggle with during her class "read in". How could I have forgotten? I had taken her to school that day with a ginormous bear, knowing full well I had to bring her home with it. As I picked her up, I ran out and gave her a big hug, apologizing all over the place. (Don't you do that as a mother, a friend, a wife, a daughter? I was listening to my sister talk with a friend on the phone today, both apologizing. When one would stop, the other would begin. I finally told her to "knock it off, you're both doing the best that you can.")
I helped Emme stuff the big old bear in the trunk and jumped in the car. As we drove away there were tears in her eyes and there was a visible lump in my throat. The thing that really sucks is this wasn't the first time I'd royally messed up. Just a month earlier I had missed her big performance for BSU's halftime show with all the BSU cheerleaders. I had schedule it for a half hour later. Grrrrrr. I broke the silence, "Will you forgive me?" Emme looked at me with those big blue eyes glistening with tears, "But Mom how could you forget. You drove me to school this morning with the bear. You knew I needed a ride home. How could you forget me?" I looked her in the eye and said, "Em I am so sorry. I simply forgot. I really try my best to get everything right, but I don't. Do you think I'd ever do this on purpose? I would never want to hurt you. Let's list all the things I do to show my love for you." She looked at me as if I was half crazy, and she may be right, and said, "Mom, I know you love me. I mean you did HAVE me!" I smiled ear to ear, "You're right I did. But let's go back 9 months before that. I WANTED you. I told your Dad that it was time for you to come! Did you know we had only been married 3 months when we decided to have you!? And then I carried you for nine miserable months. And then I had to push you out of me!!!" She giggled, "Hey you wanted me!"
As we got closer to home she kept adding to the list of all the things I do for her, wash her clothes, do her hair, make her food, drive her to her activities, etc. When we parked the car I looked at her in a new light, "Emme look at you. You are happy. How can you be so happy?" She grabbed her coat and starting opening the door and said, "I don't know. I just forget about it." And she didn't give it another thought.
I went to sleep last night with still a heaviness about me. I just felt uncertain about everything. I had the feeling of wanting to fall asleep for a long time, maybe not waking up until summer. In the morning I got up late, sent the kids off to school and set off to do a bunch of errands. One of which was a trip to Costco with my sissy Andi. Nothing profound happened with her, but the time connecting was rejuvenating. She listened to my incessant whining. I bought her a hot dog. (All for our Nanny, bless her soul.) I listened as she talked about her unknown future and the possibility of moving out of state. She fed my kids and watched them play. The simple things. And then the door bell rang and in came a little guy. Ding dong. Here comes a little girl. The week before she had a little fourteen year old boy who has down syndrome over to play. I sat spell bound watching her bounce from one kid to another. Each wrapped in her affection. When hadn't my sister had a house full of kids? She was always helping other moms. She then kicked me out the door to be with my husband to celebrate our 12th anniversary. She is an angel in my life and the thought of her moving away tares at my heart.
A felt the need to share these two stories for two reasons. First, my ten year old daughter taught me that all the validation she needed, she already had. This pushed me to think inward. God loves me, he wants me. With every breath I take, every beat of my heart, the tinniest of snotty kisses, the string of green lights to get me home quicker, verify that I am validated. All I need to do is open my eyes and see. See the sun bursting through the clouds. Enjoy a breathtaking rainbow. Secondly, I needed to see my sister in action. I was inspired. This is why I wanted to begin a blog. I want to share the love others share with me. Today I sponged off of her goodness and service. She helped me feel full again. And that is what we do as friends, sponge, vent, push, kick, inspire, and uplift.
So how can we be a better friend? Validate each other. Compliments go a long way. I like that shirt on you. I love how you wear your hair. I love how grateful you are. I like how you give so much of yourself as a mother. We see it; we recognize it, but do we say it? Just like Christ is there to be our friend. He's there to bare our pains, to tell us we are worth it. We can be His hands in validating each other.
After Ashlee's husband had passed I was constantly trying to be there for her. I would pray daily to know what she needed. Many times, it was a simple text. "Just want you to know I think your amazing." "You looked hot today." "You are an amazing mom." "Seriously, how did you get so lucky to have 5 fantastic kids?" "I am so proud of you." "You are such a great example." I've learned that when the thought first comes into your head, say it. I can't tell you how many times I have noticed something spectacular and not commented and later regretted it. You will never lose by validating some one. Share the light you feel inside.
****After writing this story I shared it with my daughter. She liked it. I feel validated. I feel alive!
No comments:
Post a Comment